What started as an idea for a joke on Facebook turned into a more serious status update, which has now turned into a blog post.

If you don’t know, a few weeks back, girls all over Facebook started posting the colors of the bras they were wearing, but nobody said why. It turns out it was for breast cancer awareness. Lately, there’s been something similar involving cryptic posts about monsters, elevators, and cars. All of this leaves me mystified.

First of all, secretive publicity stunts are annoying as hell. If they at least posted why they were posting the color of their bras, that would be something, but leaving for people to figure out on their own (or, in most cases, ignore) is a gimmick that I’d expect from an Evangelical church youth group, but not a cancer awareness group. And are they really expecting people to say, “Holy shit! I’d completely forgotten about breast cancer!” Why not spend the time raising an awareness for a condition that really needs it?

I don’t want to propose that bipolar disorder is as serious or kills as many people as breast cancer; but few people understand that bipolar disorder actually does kill some people, and the sympathy surrounding breast cancer is often replaced by prejudice and social stigmas around bipolar. Other mental disorders have stigmas as well, ranging from disbelief and mockery (autism and ADHD) to fear and blatant misconceptions (schizophrenia), but bipolar disorder is my battle to fight, so I’ve chosen that one.

In light of all that, here are some statistics on bipolar disorder.

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So, I have these weird dreams from time to time. Well, not too weird, in the grand scheme of things. I dream that I’m losing my teeth. It’s not like I’m older and they fall out naturally. They just fall out. I usually notice that one of them is lose, and before you know it, bam, it’s out and I’m holding it in my hand wondering what went wrong. I’ve had a dream like that about eight times this year that I can remember, which means I’ve probably had a few more as well.

I thought this had to be significant in some way, so I decided to do a little research. I did some research on a few different sites, and found out that losing teeth in dreams is a sign of anxiety. I might feel I’m losing control, or that I feel misunderstood by those close to me, or that I’m self conscious about my appearance. All of these might be true.

I guess the reason I’m so scared of all of those things, though, is that, for the first time in my life, I really do feel in control of myself and my life. I’m scared of slipping back into being at the whim of my moods, being misunderstood by those around me, and being self conscious about everything. It’s not a place I like to be.

So, in honor of my hang-ups, I’m posting a song to help you, my readers, get through your own dark spots. Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Maria Bamford.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m a category manager for an emotional health site online. (I manage the section on bipolar disorder.) I’ve done a few blog posts, written up briefs and linked to a few articles, and written a few of my own. I only just got started, so I’m still adding more content every two weeks or so.

If you guys have any burning questions about bipolar disorder, let me know and I’ll put in the research and do an article on it. Feel free to e-mail me if you don’t want to post the question publicly.

So I’ve been doing some thinking lately about Harry Potter houses (Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin) and Keirsey archetypes (Artisan, Guardian, Rational, Idealist). I originally said that they lined up like this:

Gryffindor – Guardians (SJs)
Hufflepuff – Idealists (NFs)
Ravenclaw – Artisans (SPs)
Slytherin – Rationals (NTs)

Something abut the Ravenclaws and Slytherins has bugged me. Artisans are the opportunists of the bunch, which lines up more closely with what Slytherin seems to be all about. Also, Rationals are all about learning. But, as Mandy pointed out, some of the Artisans are far too positive to be Slytherins. So I think it’s a little more complicated than archetypal sorting can say.

So I came up with this list of examples from the Harry Potter universe. Maybe we can trace these characters back to their houses and get a better idea from there.

Artisans
ESTP – Fred and George Weasley
ESFP – Dean Thomas
ISTP – Victor Krum
ISFP – Horace Slughorn

Guardians
ESTJ – Ron Weasley (a little unsure on this one… Minerva McGonagal would be a good second choice)
ESFJ – Ginny Weasley
ISTJ – Hermione Granger
ISFJ – Neville Longbottom (although he’s so unsure of himself, we don’t see it until the end)

Rationals
ENTJ – Draco Malfoy
ENTP – Albus Dumbledore
INTJ – Severus Snape
INTP – Luna Lovegood

Idealists
ENFJ – Cedric Diggory
ENFP – Nymphadora Tonks
INFJ – Fleur Delacour
INFP – Remus Lupin

Where does Harry fall, you might ask? In some ways, he’s very much an ISTJ—duty-bound and constantly taking on unwanted responsibilities that he’s afraid will slip through the cracks. But in other ways, he has the introspection and tortured persona of an INFJ. I think he leans more toward the former than the latter, but he’s an interesting mix.

As for Lord Voldemort, he’s very much an INTJ.

So, by my chart, the introverted Artisans and the judging Rationals are Slytherins. The extraverted Artisans are yet more Gryffindors, and the perceiving Rationals are Ravenclaws. Of course, there are exceptions to any rule, but those are my predictions.

This would make Gryffindor the overwhelmingly largest house, meaning there’s either a flaw in my logic, or a flaw in Rowling’s. (Or maybe she wanted it that way. Who knows?)

You know you’re a cat person when you think about what Meyers-Briggs types your cats are. That said, I’m a cat person. Here are my predictions:

Franny: INFJ
Zoey: ENFP
Sherlock: ENTJ

As you can see, all of my cats are intuitive. I can talk about this at length in a later post.

I don’t talk about it a whole lot any more, but I’ve struggled with low self esteem for pretty much my entire life. There are some physiological reasons for that, but it doesn’t really change the fact that I never really felt up to speed with what was going on around me. This may come as a surprise to some who know me, particularly many who work with me, because I behave very confidently at times, now. But those who know me well have at least seen glimpses of it—ghosts of years of doubt and second-guessing.

For those who have followed my blog for a long time, through several redesigns, you’ve probably noticed a pretty drastic change in my writing over the past six years or so. My writing used to be all over the place. Here are some quotes from my old blog, circa 2004:

Could it be that I’m… growing up?? Hurry, someone call me childish! Make me throw something! I drew a space ship! I am twenty-three years old and that is not too old to be not very old!!

Sometimes I just care so much that it’s all I can do to feel alive and walk and talk and be extra-nice to everyone. I just wish so badly that world wasn’t what it is. Even something worse would be good, as long as it was openly worse—and therefore had a chance of change. *sigh* I just want to help. All I want to do is help people.

(There were a few other severely depressing blurbs I decided not to post. But trust me when I say that any angst in that second post is just the tip of the iceberg.)

What really interested me was the sheer amount of soul-searching I did back then. Some of it was good, and some of it was bad, but it was all about authenticity and self-actualization. And I was really, really emotional, which seems a bit weird to me now. If you don’t know me or don’t know me well, I’m largely emotionless now (externally, anyway), and I’m more interested in making good use of my intellect than in self-discovery.

(A lot of that comes from not trusting my emotions to be reliable indicators of what’s actually going on. That’s a much larger discussion for another time, but it goes back to my disorder.)

I didn’t really realize any of this until I took a few quizzes on Facebook lately. (Yes, I’m bringing this all back to Facebook. Sorry for the let-down.) On Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator tests, I always came up a strong INFP. (Well, back in 2004, I was probably closer to an ENFP.) A few years back, I was right on the line between INFP and INTP. Now, I’m a pretty solid INTP, and as much as I like feelers, I feel like I’m able to relate more honestly to the thinkers than the feelers.

So I’m evolving, psychologically. I still struggle with self esteem from time to time, but it’s never crushing—I deal with it rationally and calculatingly. (Yes, that’s a word. I just checked.) Do I miss being so emotional? Yes, I do. But I feel like I’m able to do a lot more now, since I’m able to effectively deal with my inhibitions. Some of my favorite people are still INFPs, but I think I’m right where I need to be for now.

I apologize to anyone I’ve been cold to, anyone I’ve been short with, and anyone who hasn’t gotten a warm reaction out of me when they needed one. I really do want to be these things, and I really do see the value in them. But trust me when I say that I’m in a better spot now than I was five years ago.

I debated not posting this, but it’s too funny to pass up.

I had a conversation with a few co-workers a while back about how to name some of our internal training classes. When it got to my class on personality types, this exchange happened:

person 1: How about, “How to work with your schizophrenic co-workers”?
person 2: Ooh! How about, “How to work with bipolar people”?

Seriously, what are the odds?

Just a disclaimer: I’m not really all that offended by this.

“The majority of people are not only afraid of holding a wrong opinion, as they are holding an opinion alone.”
- Soren Kierkegaard

In most cases, social proof is a bigger motivator than intellectual integrity. And I’m no exception—I’ve jumped on bandwagons before, picked up opinions without really thinking them through just because other like-minded individuals had picked them up. This just further evidences the tendency we have to be primarily social creatures.

And, from a psychological standpoint, it’s no surprise. On Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, social acceptance is a much more basic human need than intellectual advancement (self-actualization).

So, let me be clear: one of my greatest desires is to help other people think themselves up to intellectual advancement and self-actualization. But that’s not a one-step process. And it’s not something everyone will get around to in their dealings with me. The much more basic needs are social and are, fortunately, easier to meet with a little caring. The important thing is to balance the two. I have a tendency to focus on one at the expense of the other, forgetting to either challenge or care for other individuals, depending on my relationship with them.

Anyway, this is one of my few posts that isn’t really meant for anyone. I just had to write this out to formulate it all in my head, and decided to keep it. Thanks for reading, though!

So, most of you have probably figured this out by now, but I’m kind of a freak about personality profiling. My friend Mandy and I recently co-taught a class on personality at work, so I’ve been putting a lot of research into it there. I stumbled across an article that gave comparisons across numerous profiling methods. They had Myers-Briggs types, the four humors, the four elements, some sort of Asian types, and a few others. Then, toward the bottom of the article, they had Hogwarts houses. Here’s what they say:

I don’t know if I totally agree with this, because according to this, I’m evenly split between Slytherin and Hufflepuff. HUFFLEPUFF! Hufflepuffs can’t even go outside for fear of getting their asses kicked by the Gryffindors and Slytherins. I was sure I was a Ravenclaw… But now, not so sure.

I don’t know that I’ve ever told anybody this, but I go through sporadic periods of disassociation. Disassociation is a psychological phenomenon that severs the connection between a person’s concious thought and his or her thoughts, actions, feelings, or concept of self. It’s a common reaction to severe trauma, which is why some grieving people eventually reach a numb, unfeeling state, but it can have other causes as well, like an adverse reaction to drugs. (Occasional disassociation is actually a somewhat common co-occurance with bipolar disorder, so don’t think that I’m on drugs or recovering from a trauma.) From what I’m reading, most people will experience a few periods of disassociation, so it could just be that we don’t know the language to talk about it.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s hard to explain. It’s like stepping out of your body and watching events, including your own words and actions, unfold like a movie. It’s not psychosis—the individual maintains a complete grasp on reality and the events going on around him or her. It’s kind of like a dream. There’ve been times when I’ve looked in the mirror and not really recognized myself. Like I said, hard to explain.

A quick aside, Adam Duritz, the lead singer for the Counting Crows, has a disassociative disorder, so he lives most of his life in this state. Kind of puts his lyrics in a new perspective.

Let me be very clear: I do not have a disassociative disorder. I spend the majority of the time in perfect touch with my external life.

Anyway, if you’ve spent some significant time around me, you’ve probably seen me like this. The key signs are that I’m completely emotionless, and I don’t initiate a lot of conversations, although I will converse if engaged by someone else. I make total sense when you’re talking to me. The periods don’t last long—a few hours, or a day at the most—but if they strike at awkward times, it can be a little difficult. (It’s actually happened at work a few times.)

When it happens, I generally know enough to try to isolate myself. I try to get away to a quiet place so I can just be alone with my thoughts. That’s why silence and isolation are so important to me (not all the time, but some of the time). So if I have to step away from your party for a while, or if you see me wearing my headphones at work for long periods of time, it’s a preventative measure.

Anyway, just another of my neuroses. It’s really not as serious as it sounds. But if you see me out somewhere, and I don’t see you, now you know what might be happening.