I thank God every day I go to church and don’t hear these guys.

“He is like a Mountie
He always gets his man
And he’ll zap you any way he can—zap!”

Silly or genius? We may never know.

Killer worship set by the Slackers of Valhalla! Jason Watson led, and I played the crap out of my congas. Also joining us were Cory Ryan on guitars, vocals, and keyboard; Amy on violin and vocals; Roberio on drums; and Wagner (I think that’s his name… seriously!) on bass.

I really miss playing with a whole band. Don’t get me wrong—playing with Melanie is great—but I miss playing with a larger group as well.

Ok, a quick aside: Franny totally just grabbed Zoey’s tail and bit it. I think she’s going to do it again. She did.

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Good job, Slackers! Good night!

Justice Jam 2008 is in the planning stages right now, and we’re getting ready to start promotion. Check out the website:

http://www.justicejam.com

Apparently, the Beatles were the first Christian rock band.

Very, very interesting for a lot of reasons—mainly because of the general disdain between the Beatles and the church, despite both claiming to be “Christ’s biggest fans.”

Today, I look at bands like Creed and Guster—both of whom use religious symbolism in their songs—and wonder how many closet Jesus bands there are out there. And I’m not trying to say that this is purely the fault of the Christian community at large. Many people outside of the Christian camp form their opinions of Christianity on the outbursts of a forceful, vocal minority. Disgusted or no, you have to be pretty calloused or blind to miss all the good that religion is actually doing in the world. (And yes, I believe that it has historically been one of the most destructive forces in the world. That’s another discussion altogether, but I think the tides are turning.)

And on the flip side, I wonder how many Christians would embrace modernity (or, more specifically, Postmodernity) if they understood how much it defined what they already believed (and how in line it is with the Bible). In the book Finding Common Ground, Tim Downs verbally attacks Postmodernism in one chapter, and then spends the rest of the chapter talking about how art is the new instrument of truth and how we need to appeal not only to people’s intellects, but also to their emotional imaginations—extremely Postmodern concepts.

An interesting fact: John Lennon was actually the original choice to play Jesus in Jesus Christ, Superstar, but turned down the role. Just saying.

For all of you fans of LOLcats, I present to you… The LOLcat Bible! That’s right! They’re actually translating the Bible in LOLspeak. Forget the 2,200+ languages without the Bible—we need LOLgod (a.k.a. Ceiling Cat).

Here are some choice passages.

U iz as pretti as Tirzah,
  as pretti az Jerusalem,
  liek an armi marchin around.
Doant look at me,
  itz too much LOL.
  Ur hair iz liek goatz
  comin down teh mountn.
Ur teeth iz liek sheep
  dat just hadded abaff.
  Dey iz all twinz,
  bcz u haz all ur teethz.
Ur butt
  is liek a peach.
Dere is sixti queenz,
  an eighti othr ladiez,
  an lotz of virjinz
but u iz wun of a kiend,
  ur motherz only dauter
  ur motherz favrit.
  Teh ladiez sez “She haz cheezburgr”;
  teh queenz iz liek “U iz so cool.”
- Song of Solomon 6:4-9

CEILING CAT sez to Moses “Go sez to teh Israelis ‘Be excellent cuz I’z CEILING CAT and I’z excellent.

Be goods to youz ma and pa, don’t work on Sundayz, I IS CEILING CAT.

Don’t be makin fake gods, plzkthnx?

If u makes cheezburger offering to Ceiling Cat make it wifout onions. U gots to eats it that day or teh next but after that u gots to throw it away cuz teh bunz gets soggy And nobody wants soggy cheezburger. DO NOT WANT. If sumbody does eats it, I not responsible, kthnx. Nobody gonna liek u if u eats soggy cheezburger.

An den when you has BBQ makes lots and lots of cheezburgers. An no eats all teh Cheetos.
Leaves sum for teh homeless kittehs and space alienz. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No be steelin’
No be lying.
No fooling u fwends.

No swearing in teh name of Ceiling Cat. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No steelin u naybur’s X-Box.
An pay teh delivery guy.

No makin fun o teh deaf peeple or trippin blind peeple, be ‘fraid o Ceiling Cat!

No makin fun o Judge Judy or Joe Brown cuz theyz good judges cuz they no take no crap.

No spreadin rumors even if Louie does has big harballs.
No be puttin kittehs in danger. I IZ CEELING CAT.

No fiteing in teh back seat wif u brother an no ganging up on u sister.

No gettin back at peeples or makin drama. Free luvz to all! I IZ CEILING CAT.

Don’t screw dees things up:
No shackin wif teh dog.
No raisin coca AND teh pot in teh same garage.
No pleather.

If u hookz up wit teh OPP u gots to pay up. No Tu-Pac episodes, tho.21 Makez offering of cheezburger an it be ok.

No eating teh icing off teh cake before teh party. Teh birfday kitteh gets teh icing first. After dat youz can has icing. I IZ CEILING CAT.

Cooks teh cheezburger all teh way throo. DO NOT WANT RAW.
No crazy voodoo stuffs, kthnx.

No mullets or bad sideburns.

No emo cutting an no tattoos off teh parlor wall. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No hookin’ out ur own kids or teh bad mans come to teh nayburhood.

Still no workin on teh weekends. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No listens to teh Sylvia Browne cuz she will pwn u. I IZ CEILING CAT.

Be nice to old kittehs. I IZ CEILING CAT.

Be nice to alienz cuz they might has destruct-o beems.

Pretend they is u cousin cuz we all alienz sumwear. I IZ CEILING CAT. No exaggerating teh size o u harballs.

We all knoes u is lieing. I IZ Ceiling Cat, after all. Do all thees stuffs that I sai. I IZ CEILING CAT.”

- Leviticus 19

Teh storm kept waving. Iz microwave, then mexican wave. Jonah sez “Rsistnce iz fewtile. Biff me in teh sea, ocean can pwnzd kittah. Is mai fault. sry.”But Michael triez to row teh boat to shore. He is phail, and teh storm iz getting worsnwors. So tehy preyed to Ceiling Cat, “wait. no! plz don’t drowns uz, cuz cats dusn’t lieks to get wet. DO NOT WANT. plsthnxbai.”Tehn they toss Jonah into teh waterz, and teh sea iz calmed down liek on ritlin. srsly. Teh sailors iz so skeered they makes offrings of catnips and cheezeburgers and loots in bukkits for Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat maeked a LOLrus to eated Jonah, and Jonah iz in yr whale making yr sushis for three days and three nights.
- Jonah 1:11-17

I expect to hear this in a sermon someday from some of my pastor friends.

Suppose someone wanting to learn to dance said: “For hundreds of years now one generation after another has been learning dance steps, it’s high time I took advantage of this and began straight off with a set of quadrilles.” One would surely laugh at him; but in the world of spirit such an attitude is considered utterly plausible.

– Soren Kierkegaard, Fear and Trembling, Preamble from the Heart

I discovered this truth at age 14, when I took the faith I was raised with and wrestled with it and made it my own. I soon found that I had to repeat this discovery with every truth I had learned in my life. I’d learned the difference between an objective truth and a subjective truth. You can say something is true without actually being able to articulate why that thing is true. You can know something is true without being willing to change your life because of it.

The term “subjective truth” has gotten such a bad rap in the church at large simply because people don’t understand what it means. I think any serious Postmodernist would agree that letting every person decide for themselves what is good and evil represents a rather shallow and egocentric understanding of truth.

What’s more, I think the church could really benefit from teaching people to discover the roots of truths rather than just saying that they’re true. I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with people that fall apart because they don’t know the foundations of what they uphold as true.

I’m not saying that die-hard Modernists don’t understand the things the hold to be true. I’m just saying that the church in general seems to have a bit of a problem with that, and it could be helped by a change in approach.

Tonight, I played “What if God was One of Us,” “I Hope You Dance,” “I Dare You to Move,” and “How Great Thou Art.” With the same group. For the same audience. At church.

Just last week, I auditioned for the Saturday night percussionist spot on the worship team at my church. I already play congas at another church on Sunday mornings, but the instrumentation there is just me, a piano, and an acoustic guitar. The instrumentation at my church also includes a bass and drummer, so I’ve got a rhythm section to help me out.

These are world-class players, too. I think one of the guitarists is the bassist from Waterdeep, and the bassist is probably the best I’ve ever heard. Last week, they just sort of let me play—but this week, they gave me some guidance in the songs. I’m totally down with that. In a weird sort of way, I kind of like being in way over my head. It gives me lots and lots of room to grow, and it challenges me (and I love challenges).

This endeavor isn’t without its risks, though. I battered my hands so badly last week that they didn’t stop hurting until, like, Thursday. I made sure to ice my hands tonight. I don’t know what I’m going to do if they ask me to fill in on a Sunday night as well. Really, I’m secretly hoping to have another experience where I burst a blood vessel and bleed all over my instrument. It makes me feel like a total badass. I like to imagine myself with a black t-shirt and sunglasses, smoking a clove cigarette, bleeding on my congas. It’s similar to that fighting-the-terrorist dream all men have when they go on airplanes.

 In other news, Janelle and I made an offer on a house. It’s a good-sized four-bedroom house with a huge unfinished walk-out basement (that we hope to eventually finish). It’s a divorce case, so dealing with a divorced couple and both of their respective lawyers is prolonging the whole thing, but I think we’re in a pretty good spot. The wife has signed the papers and the husband has verbally agreed to the deal, although he hasn’t signed anything yet for whatever reason. We’re hoping to get confirmation next week.

 Oh, and I think I’m going to start building a website for my friend Amy Lander. She makes beads and jewelry and wants to have a site that promotes that. I have hosting too, so all she’d have to pay is the $6/year or whatever for the domain name, plus whatever upkeep costs she has for things like an online store (assuming I’m smart enough to set that up). More on that later.

Homemade pizza is awesome.