I don’t talk about it a whole lot any more, but I’ve struggled with low self esteem for pretty much my entire life. There are some physiological reasons for that, but it doesn’t really change the fact that I never really felt up to speed with what was going on around me. This may come as a surprise to some who know me, particularly many who work with me, because I behave very confidently at times, now. But those who know me well have at least seen glimpses of it—ghosts of years of doubt and second-guessing.

For those who have followed my blog for a long time, through several redesigns, you’ve probably noticed a pretty drastic change in my writing over the past six years or so. My writing used to be all over the place. Here are some quotes from my old blog, circa 2004:

Could it be that I’m… growing up?? Hurry, someone call me childish! Make me throw something! I drew a space ship! I am twenty-three years old and that is not too old to be not very old!!

Sometimes I just care so much that it’s all I can do to feel alive and walk and talk and be extra-nice to everyone. I just wish so badly that world wasn’t what it is. Even something worse would be good, as long as it was openly worse—and therefore had a chance of change. *sigh* I just want to help. All I want to do is help people.

(There were a few other severely depressing blurbs I decided not to post. But trust me when I say that any angst in that second post is just the tip of the iceberg.)

What really interested me was the sheer amount of soul-searching I did back then. Some of it was good, and some of it was bad, but it was all about authenticity and self-actualization. And I was really, really emotional, which seems a bit weird to me now. If you don’t know me or don’t know me well, I’m largely emotionless now (externally, anyway), and I’m more interested in making good use of my intellect than in self-discovery.

(A lot of that comes from not trusting my emotions to be reliable indicators of what’s actually going on. That’s a much larger discussion for another time, but it goes back to my disorder.)

I didn’t really realize any of this until I took a few quizzes on Facebook lately. (Yes, I’m bringing this all back to Facebook. Sorry for the let-down.) On Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator tests, I always came up a strong INFP. (Well, back in 2004, I was probably closer to an ENFP.) A few years back, I was right on the line between INFP and INTP. Now, I’m a pretty solid INTP, and as much as I like feelers, I feel like I’m able to relate more honestly to the thinkers than the feelers.

So I’m evolving, psychologically. I still struggle with self esteem from time to time, but it’s never crushing—I deal with it rationally and calculatingly. (Yes, that’s a word. I just checked.) Do I miss being so emotional? Yes, I do. But I feel like I’m able to do a lot more now, since I’m able to effectively deal with my inhibitions. Some of my favorite people are still INFPs, but I think I’m right where I need to be for now.

I apologize to anyone I’ve been cold to, anyone I’ve been short with, and anyone who hasn’t gotten a warm reaction out of me when they needed one. I really do want to be these things, and I really do see the value in them. But trust me when I say that I’m in a better spot now than I was five years ago.

This entry was posted on Monday, August 24th, 2009 at 10:45 pm and is filed under Psychology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.