I don’t know that I’ve ever told anybody this, but I go through sporadic periods of disassociation. Disassociation is a psychological phenomenon that severs the connection between a person’s concious thought and his or her thoughts, actions, feelings, or concept of self. It’s a common reaction to severe trauma, which is why some grieving people eventually reach a numb, unfeeling state, but it can have other causes as well, like an adverse reaction to drugs. (Occasional disassociation is actually a somewhat common co-occurance with bipolar disorder, so don’t think that I’m on drugs or recovering from a trauma.) From what I’m reading, most people will experience a few periods of disassociation, so it could just be that we don’t know the language to talk about it.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s hard to explain. It’s like stepping out of your body and watching events, including your own words and actions, unfold like a movie. It’s not psychosis—the individual maintains a complete grasp on reality and the events going on around him or her. It’s kind of like a dream. There’ve been times when I’ve looked in the mirror and not really recognized myself. Like I said, hard to explain.

A quick aside, Adam Duritz, the lead singer for the Counting Crows, has a disassociative disorder, so he lives most of his life in this state. Kind of puts his lyrics in a new perspective.

Let me be very clear: I do not have a disassociative disorder. I spend the majority of the time in perfect touch with my external life.

Anyway, if you’ve spent some significant time around me, you’ve probably seen me like this. The key signs are that I’m completely emotionless, and I don’t initiate a lot of conversations, although I will converse if engaged by someone else. I make total sense when you’re talking to me. The periods don’t last long—a few hours, or a day at the most—but if they strike at awkward times, it can be a little difficult. (It’s actually happened at work a few times.)

When it happens, I generally know enough to try to isolate myself. I try to get away to a quiet place so I can just be alone with my thoughts. That’s why silence and isolation are so important to me (not all the time, but some of the time). So if I have to step away from your party for a while, or if you see me wearing my headphones at work for long periods of time, it’s a preventative measure.

Anyway, just another of my neuroses. It’s really not as serious as it sounds. But if you see me out somewhere, and I don’t see you, now you know what might be happening.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 at 9:42 pm and is filed under Psychology. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.