Ok, so you know those catchy little commercials for FreeCreditReport.com? The one with the guy with a guitar singing about how some hacker stole his identity? There’s one that takes place in a pirate restaurant, and one that takes place at a Renaissance Fest. Yeah, you know the ones.

Well, apparently, they’re in big trouble with the law. They’re required by law to let users peek at their credit reports once annually, but they make people sign up for a $15/month service to access their free credit reports. They’ve been through several lawsuits about this, but they’re still advertising the site and pulling the bait and switch.

Well, the U.S. government decided that they had had enough, so they created their own free credit report website. This one really is free. So how do they get the word out about their new website? By creating a parody commercial and releasing it on the Web.

That’s right. That was put out by the U.S. government. Those are our tax dollars hard at work, and I have to say, I’m glad to have given patriotically to this commercial.

But wait! That FreeCreditReport.com commercial in the pirate restaurant was really catchy. Can we get a parody of that one too?

Yes. Yes, you can.

I’m the kind of person who really doesn’t like car commercials. If they’re entertaining, sure, but they scarcely are. On top of that, you don’t really learn a lot about the cars. There are those ridiculous ads where big trucks carry even bigger trucks up big hills and stuff like that, but I really have no idea what it would be like to actually own one of them.

So I decided to make my own car ads—ads that speak the truth. Here’s what I came up with.

• The Kia Amanti
• The New Volkswagen Beetle
• The Ford Taurus
• The Hyundai Genesis (warning: coarse language)
• The Porsche Boxster

by Demetri Martin…

Dammit I’m mad.
Evil is a deed as I live.
God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt.
To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss.
Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help?
Man, it is hot. I’m in it. I tell.
I am not a devil. I level “Mad Dog”.
Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp,
In my halo of a mired rum tin.
I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin.
Is evil in a clam? In a trap?
No. It is open. On it I was stuck.
Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web.
Be still if I fill its ebb.
Ew, a spider… eh?
We sleep. Oh no!
Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position.
Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name.
Both, one… my names are in it.
Murder? I’m a fool.
A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash,
A Goddam level I lived at.
On mail let it in. I’m it.
Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet!
A loss it is alas (sip). I’d assign it a name.
Name not one bottle minus an ode by me:
“Sir, I deliver. I’m a dog”
Evil is a deed as I live.
Dammit I’m mad.

That’s a palindrome. (This is stand-up comedy.)

Science has just proved that stalking is the next logical step in human or near-human affection. Kenji, the emoting robot, a project at a Toshiba robotic research facility, grew quite attached to a stuffed human-sized doll (in the picture on that original post). A female intern, taking diagnostics and uploading new programs to Kenji daily over a few weeks, soon became the next object of Kenji’s affection. One night, after finishing up her diagnostics, Kenji began hugging the intern repeatedly and actually physically stopped her from leaving the room.

Now, bear in mind, Kenji was only programmed to express himself in pre-recorded dog and cat noises. Imagine a barking, meowing, rampaging robot rushing toward you repeatedly, trying to give you hugs with its 100kg hydraulic arms and you’ll get an idea as to how creepy this is. With some foresight, they could have added one or two extra lines of code to tell the robot that no does indeed mean no. Really, scientists, I’ll write it for you:

if (input == “No”) return false;
else hug();

The intern was trapped in the room and had to run from the hugging robot until she got through to some researchers who came in and shut Kenji down.

This story also brings up another interesting question: Why in the hell is Toshiba creating emoting robots? The idea of a television somehow loving me back scares me a little more than it appeals to me. Given the infrequency with which I watch television, I’d be the robotic equivalent of a player, calling up my television once a week for a little casual fling and then leaving her for a solid week to talk with my other friends and spend time with my wife. I don’t know what I’d do if someone ever urged my television to leave me and get on with its life.

Imagine what would happen to the computing world. All I.T. departments in businesses would have to be equipped with PC Whisperers along with the usual geeks and nerds to talk edgy computers down from the edge. Clingy computers would refuse to operate for others when their usual users were out. We’d have to develop the electronic equivalent of prostitutes: computers we could use and then leave with no emotional attachments

In the end, Kenji ended up hug-assaulting everyone who worked with him closely, so they’re probably going to have to shut him down permanently. Their next project? Programming a robot that’s a real bastard. Scientists, here’s some code for you:

if (input == “No”) hug();
else kick(groin);

It looks like this.

Edit: Whoops! Fixed the link.

Take the Lost personality test here. Here’s what I got:

Is it any small coincidence that I got the rock star?

Alright, I just spent some time reminiscing on YouTube about the 80s cartoons I used to watch, and was torn as to which was the ultimate. Here are the ground rules:

1. Obvious titles, like Ninja Turtles and G.I. Joe, are out. Those are timeless.
2. We’re not necessarily going for the most entertaining, or the one with the best underlying message—we’re going for sheer bad-ass 80s flair.

So, let the showdown commence!

(more…)

I think I’ve found a solution to our Tilly problem! First off, we need to get Tilly one of these from this website.

Wait, this one’s better.

Thanks to Sarah for turning me on to Bad Paintings of Barack Obama. Here are some highlights:

• Uh, Mexicans in underwear?
• Just a little off…
• AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
• Aaaaand way off…
• Fantastic voyage

I just discovered a Windows XP accessibility feature that I’m going to use from now on. It’s called MouseKeys, and it allows you to use your numeric keypad on your keyboard to move the mouse pointer. Why do this, you may ask? Well, designing web graphics, I frequently have to move the mouse pointer only one or two pixels, which can be a real pain when actually using the mouse. With MouseKeys, I just hold the left mouse button down and press the arrow once or twice. The best thing is that it can be easily turned on and off—it only works when Num Lock is on, otherwise the keypad behaves just like the normal arrows.

To turn this on, go to Control Panel and click Accessibility Options (which was the first options for me). Under the Mouse tab, there’s a checkbox to turn on MouseKeys. You might want to turn up the top speed and acceleration from their default settings.