For all of you fans of LOLcats, I present to you… The LOLcat Bible! That’s right! They’re actually translating the Bible in LOLspeak. Forget the 2,200+ languages without the Bible—we need LOLgod (a.k.a. Ceiling Cat).

Here are some choice passages.

U iz as pretti as Tirzah,
  as pretti az Jerusalem,
  liek an armi marchin around.
Doant look at me,
  itz too much LOL.
  Ur hair iz liek goatz
  comin down teh mountn.
Ur teeth iz liek sheep
  dat just hadded abaff.
  Dey iz all twinz,
  bcz u haz all ur teethz.
Ur butt
  is liek a peach.
Dere is sixti queenz,
  an eighti othr ladiez,
  an lotz of virjinz
but u iz wun of a kiend,
  ur motherz only dauter
  ur motherz favrit.
  Teh ladiez sez “She haz cheezburgr”;
  teh queenz iz liek “U iz so cool.”
- Song of Solomon 6:4-9

CEILING CAT sez to Moses “Go sez to teh Israelis ‘Be excellent cuz I’z CEILING CAT and I’z excellent.

Be goods to youz ma and pa, don’t work on Sundayz, I IS CEILING CAT.

Don’t be makin fake gods, plzkthnx?

If u makes cheezburger offering to Ceiling Cat make it wifout onions. U gots to eats it that day or teh next but after that u gots to throw it away cuz teh bunz gets soggy And nobody wants soggy cheezburger. DO NOT WANT. If sumbody does eats it, I not responsible, kthnx. Nobody gonna liek u if u eats soggy cheezburger.

An den when you has BBQ makes lots and lots of cheezburgers. An no eats all teh Cheetos.
Leaves sum for teh homeless kittehs and space alienz. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No be steelin’
No be lying.
No fooling u fwends.

No swearing in teh name of Ceiling Cat. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No steelin u naybur’s X-Box.
An pay teh delivery guy.

No makin fun o teh deaf peeple or trippin blind peeple, be ‘fraid o Ceiling Cat!

No makin fun o Judge Judy or Joe Brown cuz theyz good judges cuz they no take no crap.

No spreadin rumors even if Louie does has big harballs.
No be puttin kittehs in danger. I IZ CEELING CAT.

No fiteing in teh back seat wif u brother an no ganging up on u sister.

No gettin back at peeples or makin drama. Free luvz to all! I IZ CEILING CAT.

Don’t screw dees things up:
No shackin wif teh dog.
No raisin coca AND teh pot in teh same garage.
No pleather.

If u hookz up wit teh OPP u gots to pay up. No Tu-Pac episodes, tho.21 Makez offering of cheezburger an it be ok.

No eating teh icing off teh cake before teh party. Teh birfday kitteh gets teh icing first. After dat youz can has icing. I IZ CEILING CAT.

Cooks teh cheezburger all teh way throo. DO NOT WANT RAW.
No crazy voodoo stuffs, kthnx.

No mullets or bad sideburns.

No emo cutting an no tattoos off teh parlor wall. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No hookin’ out ur own kids or teh bad mans come to teh nayburhood.

Still no workin on teh weekends. I IZ CEILING CAT.

No listens to teh Sylvia Browne cuz she will pwn u. I IZ CEILING CAT.

Be nice to old kittehs. I IZ CEILING CAT.

Be nice to alienz cuz they might has destruct-o beems.

Pretend they is u cousin cuz we all alienz sumwear. I IZ CEILING CAT. No exaggerating teh size o u harballs.

We all knoes u is lieing. I IZ Ceiling Cat, after all. Do all thees stuffs that I sai. I IZ CEILING CAT.”

- Leviticus 19

Teh storm kept waving. Iz microwave, then mexican wave. Jonah sez “Rsistnce iz fewtile. Biff me in teh sea, ocean can pwnzd kittah. Is mai fault. sry.”But Michael triez to row teh boat to shore. He is phail, and teh storm iz getting worsnwors. So tehy preyed to Ceiling Cat, “wait. no! plz don’t drowns uz, cuz cats dusn’t lieks to get wet. DO NOT WANT. plsthnxbai.”Tehn they toss Jonah into teh waterz, and teh sea iz calmed down liek on ritlin. srsly. Teh sailors iz so skeered they makes offrings of catnips and cheezeburgers and loots in bukkits for Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat maeked a LOLrus to eated Jonah, and Jonah iz in yr whale making yr sushis for three days and three nights.
- Jonah 1:11-17

I expect to hear this in a sermon someday from some of my pastor friends.

This entry was posted on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 7:43 pm and is filed under Cats, Church, Spirituality. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.