Ladies and gentlemen, I present you with Existentialball.

There are no teams in Existentialball—each player is free to choose to play to whatever goal he or she wants, and each player is responsible for creating meaning out of their existence as a player. Similarly, there are no uniforms. In fact, points are knocked off for players wearing the same thing.

Score is not kept in Existentialball. Instead, points are awarded based on how well each player uses his or her freedom of choice and takes responsibility for actions on the field (since each player is ultimately responsible for every play on the field). This of course means that there must be a ball and goals, and that the ball must be put into the goal at some point, but points are awarded based on style by a panel of judges.

Players are not necessarily aware that a game is going on, or even that they’re players. That’s okay—they’ll be graded anyway.

Instead of cheerleaders, there will be a group of attractive women who chastise players for not thinking for themselves. This group is not called the Cheer Squad, but is instead the Independence Squad. While not chastising players, they will give speeches reminding the audience that life is not fair.

The set of rules is sparse because no rule will apply in every circumstance. The main rules are:

1. Someone must be doing something with the ball at all times. If a player ceases to be a player, he or she will be deemed absurd and removed from the field.
2. If players consistently follow the rules of another sport, play will be halted and players will be scolded by the Independence Squad.
3. Players who complain that other players are breaking rules will be docked points for not putting a stop to this themselves.
4. No eye-gouging (except in Germany).
5. Absolutely no quoting Hegel!

Expect to see this on network television in the next few years!

Tags: sports

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 22nd, 2008 at 10:09 pm and is filed under Philosophy. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.