Manos, the Hands of Fate – I originally saw this as a Mystery Science Theater 3000 feature, and it was well-deserved. For those who don’t know, MST3k is a show where a guy and a few robots watch an inexorably horrible movie and make fun of it as they watch. Manos was so bad that they couldn’t even properly make fun of it. It’s like they didn’t even have a script—just a vague idea of the movie they wanted to make. The movie climaxes not when the mysterious villain finally reveals himself, but when a group of women in white robes wrestle around on the ground in a manner that manages to elude sexiness altogether. Also, I think the soundtrack contains one song, which is repeated throughout the entire movie.

Battlefield Earth – This movie was rumored to be the big Scientology blockbuster of the summer. I was disappointed to find out that it was actually a sad cross between Star Trek and Conan: The Barbarian. It’s a movie about captivity and the perseverance of the human spirit. It’s a movie about barbarians learning to fly a Harrier jump jet in a month. One month. It’s a movie about cheap jokes about long tongues. It’s a movie in which they blow up the aliens’ homeworld, in a scene that lingers on in absolute silence for a little longer than anyone was comfortable with. I actually stood up and applauded at that point, begging the movie to be over so my friends would let me leave. I was wrong. When Scientologists produce a movie like Saved, I’ll go see it.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding – There. I said it. I think I may be the only person on Earth who would add this movie to this list, but I’m standing by it. The plot was trite and predictable, the character development was fragmented (at best), and the pacing was terrible. This movie was staked entirely on people being able to relate to the protagonist’s dealings with her family, but I found myself more emotionally attached to the delicious Greek dishes at the reception. Mmmmmm. Dolmades.

Legally Blonde – Legally Blonde is one of the few movies that made me ashamed to be a human being. Structurally, the movie resembled a superhero movie about a girl whose power was being really blonde. There were scenes of self-discovery where she learned to use her blonde super powers to help others in court. There were scenes of her struggling to fit in at school because of her abilities, but later scenes of her helping or befriending those who shunned her. Replace blonde with a real superpower and you have X-Men. I think a little part of me died when I found out they were making a sequel, although I have to admit I’ve never seen it.

The Hulk – I’m referring to the 2003 version with Eric Bana. The movie opened with a re-cap of Bruce Banner’s childhood at a pace Speed Racer can only dream about. I’ve actually gotten motion sickness from watching a few movies, but this movie gave me time sickness. After a while, the movie flashed ahead to Bruce Banner as a struggling scientist, which is when I came to the sad realization that they weren’t just flying through the events of his childhood—they were flying through the entire movie. It’s like the movie was edited by a six-year-old boy and his golden retriever. The movie would have been okay had they wrapped up after one plotline, but because they got through it so fast, they threw another one in at the end. ADD, you have met your match.

And that last one brings me to a second topic. Marvel comics (the people who invented Spider Man, the X-Men, and the Hulk) finally started their own production company and attained full creative control of the movies they now put out. The quality of the recent Iron Man can largely be attributed to this. Marvel apparently thought the last Hulk movie was so bad that they’re making another one that completely ignores the previous one. It’s not a re-make, it’s not really a sequel—it’s just another movie.

But that brings me to the sad part. I fully expect that this Hulk movie is going to be one hundred times better than the last. (On top of the new creative direction, it also stars Edward Norton as Bruce Banner.) But who’s going to see another Hulk movie a short five years after the godawful last one came out? Marvel’s making great efforts to let people know that they’re ignoring the last one. But that’s kind of like asking me to buy a second Rolex from a guy in a back alley in New York.

That’s not the worst of it, though. Hulk will be starring in the upcoming Avengers movie alongside several other big-names, like Iron Man and Captain America. Is he going to wreck that one too? Hulk just might be the new pariah dog of the movie industry.

Zoey and I are looking for some new websites to read.

What would you, my readers (both of you) suggest?

I hadn’t checked Curtis’s e-mail at DogsOnSkateboards.com for a while, so I checked in. I had some more offers from our friends at Venture Direct Worldwide. Let’s take a look…

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with this fantastic offer and we will send you everything you need: creative, suppression file, opt-out link,
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Here’s Curtis’s reply:

Hello! Robyn!

I am very pleased to hear about your offer for Bosley Hair Restoration! I am in the business of teaching people about skateboarding dogs! Could this Bosley Hair Restoration restore hair for dogs that have been injured in skateboarding accidents? If so, I feel I could produce up to 30 leads a month for this offer!

Kindly looking forward to wait for reply, and thank you for your offer of the $30!

- Curtis Hornbuckle
Dogs on Skateboards!

I got a few other offers in the e-mail. There might be more fun to have yet.

For those who haven’t seen it but intend to, stay through the credits of Iron Man. They hint at an upcoming Avengers movie. For those who don’t know, the Avengers are one of the premier superhero teams of Marvel comics, probably surpassing the X-Men. The past and present roster lists are like a Who’s Who of superheroes—almost everyone who’s anyone has been a member, if only briefly, including Spider Man, Wolverine, the Hulk, a Greek god, a Norse god, and Captain America (patriotism embodied). So this movie is potentially bigger than the X-Men movies, and certainly bigger than any of the single superhero movies.

IMDB has confirmed that the movie is due out in 2009. Here’s a brief run-down:

When Captain America is awakened from an icey prison, and some of the greatest evils earth has seen are born, the Avengers go into action. Captain America, Iron-Man, Hulk, Wasp, Ant-Man and Thor. Will they be able to stop the likes of Loki and the Masters of Evil?

Hang on, hang on, let’s back up a second. Ant-Man? Are you serious? We have Iron Man, Hulk, the Norse god of thunder, and a man whose superpower is shrinking? He retains all of his normal strength while ant-size. But that’s sort of like showing up to work intoxicated but insisting that I retain all of my social skills while drunk.

To be fair, Ant-Man has another superpower. He can talk to ants. Look out, villains! No picnic is safe from Ant-Man! This guy is officially worse than Aquaman if for no other reason than Aquaman has a trident.

Actually, to be really fair, Henry Pym (a.k.a. Ant-Man) was a brilliant roboticist, and was one of the founding and longest-standing members of the Avengers. But I’m not sure I want to see him fighting alongside two guys who can lift more than 100 tons.

That’s okay, though! Ant-Man will have his own movie due out in 2010. The writer is making great efforts to let everyone know that the movie is not intended to be a spoof. If you have to go out of your way so people aren’t expecting your movie to be a spoof, you might want to consider some different subject matter.

If you feel your calendar needs some personality, or you just need a face to go with a date:

The Human Calendar

Check it out—the SEO rapper:

http://theseorapper.wordpress.com

I want to see someone apply for a job in search engine optimization, and when they ask you what experience you have, you say, “I learned this stuff in the streets.”

Apparently all white people like Wes Anderson films. I, unfortunately, did not see Bottlerocket until 2004, so I’m a poser by ten years.

(For the record, though, I loved The Life Aquatic.)

Our beloved cat-hero Franny has decided that her favorite thing to do now is take a nap on top of a power strip in our living room (”power napping,” as we like to call it). This is fairly routine at our house. Well, today, Janelle was talking on the phone, I was checking for musicians on Craigslist, and Franny was power napping when Janelle and I heard a zap and saw a bright flash of purple light. Franny dashed away from the power strip. I immediately thought she had chewed through something, except for the fact that she hadn’t been electrocuted. When we investigated Franny, we saw this:

That’s right. That’s burnt fur. The culprit was her collar:

Franny had partially unplugged one of the plugs in the outlet, and then let her metal collar touch the exposed prongs. There’s a very important lesson here for us all: don’t get electrocuted. It hurts, and it’s embarrassing, and it destroys collars.

I’ve really been getting into the MGMT (pronounced “management”) lately. Really, I’ve just been listening to one song over and over again: “Time to Pretend” (you can view the music video here). Here are the lyrics:

I’m feeling rough, I’m feeling raw, I’m in the prime of my life.
Let’s make some music, make some money, find some models for wives.
I’ll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and f### with the stars.
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars.

This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We’ve got the vision, now let’s have some fun.
Yeah, it’s overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute.

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We’re fated to pretend
To pretend
We’re fated to pretend
To pretend

I’ll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I’ll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I’ll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I’ll miss the boredem and the freedom and the time spent alone.

There’s really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew.
The models will have children, we’ll get a divorce
We’ll find some more models, everyting must run it’s course.

We’ll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We’re fated to pretend
To pretend

The sad thing is, I’m at a stage in my life where I can’t relate to this anymore. In fact, they’re talking about my life as an alternative to their young, cool life. I’m a sell-out for corporate America. I’m going to need to wear my Chuck Taylors for a week to recover from this blow to my ego.

There are some ex-girlfriends I want to do this to.